The Daily Show: Mind games

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Let's check in on the incredibly mature, continuing dialogue over national security. Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani went on the morning talk shows recently to discuss what lessons President Obama could learn from former President Bush.

"We had no domestic attacks under Bush. We've had one under Obama," Giuliani said.

Yes, I remember President Bush's tenure as one of a golden peace ... wait a minute. I think Giuliani is forgetting something. I feel like it was something we weren't supposed to forget ... ever.

Clearly Giuliani wasn't forgetting 9/11 - without 9/11, he's Ed Koch at this point. What he's saying is that even though the worst terrorist attack in the history of the country took place during Bush's term, that doesn't count.

See, 9/11 was a preseason game in Terrorball. Giuliani is making a point about regular-season Terrorball games. He's saying that in terms of terror attacks since 9/11, there have been no attacks under Bush and one attack, Fort Hood, under President Obama. It's Bush zero, Obama one.

Remember, when you're playing Terrorball, you want the lowest score. It's like golf with an incredible sadness. It's like the saddest game of golf you'd ever play - even sadder than Frisbee golf.

Actually, Giuliani was going easy on Obama by keeping the score at 1-0. It turns out this thing is a blowout.

"So far this year, we've had a dramatic uptick in the number of attacks that have actually been successful ... we have the shooting deaths of the U.S. military in Little Rock, Arkansas, that left one dead. We had the Fort Hood shootings. We've got the arrest of five Muslim Americans coming out of Washington, D.C. in Pakistan on terrorism charges ... and now, of course, we have this Detroit bombing," said Fox News contributor Monica Crowley.

Holy crap, Obama's got terrorists coming out of the wazoo.

In case you're wondering why the underwear bomber in Detroit counts as a terrorist attack against Obama but the shoe bomber doesn't count against Bush, Crowley knows the rules.

"That was coming in to the United States. It was not a domestic terrorist attack ... it was meant to be, but it was stopped by the folks on the plane," said Crowley.

I know what you're thinking - the underwear bomber was stopped by a guy on the plane, too. But that's irrelevant, because the guy who stopped the underwear bomber was Dutch. If we were playing Australian rules Terrorball, then yes, I would allow this. But that's not what we're playing.

Let me explain this again, very quickly, for you idiots out there. Terrorball: the lower the score, the better. Attacks stopped by a Dutch guy still count, and the Richard Reid bombing is not the equivalent of the underwear bombing.

Also, we're counting Fort Hood against Obama, but we're not counting the U.S. soldier that killed fellow soldiers with a grenade in Kuwait in 2003, because the attack has to happen in the homeland.

The anthrax attacks don't count either, because they weren't Muslims. Sure, we don't know that because they were never solved, but that's another reason why it doesn't count - kudos to Bush for operating in an environment of genuine uncertainty.

To review: for attacks to count in Terrorball, they have to be solved, Islamic, homeland-based killings. Hey, I don't make the rules.

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