The Daily Show: Thank you, South Carolina

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Like the state of South Carolina, whose elected representatives yell "You lie!" at the president, and whose governors use taxpayer funds to fly to Argentina to sleep with their mistress, and whose ordinary citizens get arrested for having sex with a horse - the same horse on two separate occasions.

To be fair, it is a good lookin' horse.

So for all these things and more, we say thank you, South Carolina.

But what has South Carolina done for us lately? Remember when Gov. Mark Sanford ditched his security detail and flew to Argentina for an affair, but never had to resign? Why was that?

Because Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer compared free-lunch kids to animals. In other words, the guy who would replace him is a nightmare.

But I'm sure this thing about Bauer comparing kids to stray animals was taken out of context.

"My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed!" Bauer said. "You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think much further than that."

So, we should be setting education policy according to your grandmother, who you said was ignorant?

She couldn't read. She broke her teeth on a rock. She taught me everything I know.

Alright, politicians go over the top now and again. Mr. Bauer, what do you have to say in your defense?

"What I was trying to talk about is it's a dependency culture, and that just like when you feed animals, you create a dependency," said Bauer.

South Carolina - you keep giving them a chance and they just keep f---ing that same horse.

This is Spiteful Tap

With everything they've been through, it's nice to see the Saints in the Super Bowl, but there's something else going on in the Big Easy.

"Four men have been accused with a plot to tamper with phone lines at Sen. Mary Landrieu's office in Louisiana," CNN reported on Jan. 26.

One of the men was James O'Keefe, the kid who dressed up like a pimp and snuck inside a couple of local ACORN offices and recorded some employees giving helpful tax advice for anyone thinking of getting into the underage prostitution business.

It wasn't the evidence of massive voter fraud that conservatives wanted, but it was something.

So what's he up to this time?

"Two of these four men went in to Sen. Landrieu's New Orleans office posing as phone company technicians," CNN's Brianna Keilar reported.

He dressed up like a pimp to get into ACORN and he dressed up like a phone company guy to get into Landrieu's office - I think this guy is getting all his investigative journalism ideas from porn movie plots.

Look, who knows what kind of trouble this guy is in now. If he's charged with wiretapping or impersonating a civil servant to get access to a federal building, he could be facing some serious jail time.

Luckily, if O'Keefe ends up with a felony conviction on his record, there are organizations that will help people who are down on their luck. They can help you with housing or finding work. Not all of their employees are great, but for the most part they do God's work.

James, I believe you know where they're located.

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