The Daily Show: Rage Within the Machine

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

"Welcome to the conservative comeback, and the beginning of the end of the Pelosi Congress - CPAC 2010!" said Michael Pence, R-Indiana.

Real America held their yearly Olympics, the Conservative Political Action Conference. This year's festival of whites brought a record-breaking 10,000 people to Washington, D.C., for speeches by the brightest stars of the conservative movement. Or, as they refer to it, the Woodstock for conservatives.

"This is like our Woodstock, except unlike the left's gathering, our women are beautiful," said Jason Mattera of the Young America's Foundation.

In the left's defense, their women were naked, high and in constant "do it" mode.

Much like Woodstock, the CPAC convention skipped past the enjoyable high and went right to "I'm freakin' out, man - everyone's out to get me!"

"Who are we up against? I want to define that enemy," explained Rep. Steve King of Iowa. "They are liberals, they are progressives ... Maoists, Leninists, Marxists. Who'd I leave out?"

Lesbian environmentalists for reformed Judaism? I'm pretty sure you covered all your enemies.

"Liberal neo-monarchists," said former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

That doesn't even mean anything! New left-wing royalty? It's just a word scramble. We must always fight against pudding-ape fallopian tubes!

Of course, like Woodstock, CPAC was all about the message, man. Also like Woodstock, the message was completely incoherent.

"America will not endure government-run health care, a new and expensive entitlement, and inexplicable and surely vanishing cuts in Medicare," said Romney.

Real-life Troy McClure is right - America will not endure government-run health care if it destroys our beloved Medicare. What?!

Let's not forget about CPAC's headliner, Glenn Beck. He delivered his message of what ails America.

"[Progressivism] is the disease in America. It's not just spending, it's not just taxes, it's not just corruption," Beck said.

Now, I consider myself a pretty sharp tack. I'm not going to just take Beck's word that progressivism is bad until I hear why.

"The argument was you're a Marxist, you're a communist. No I'm not. I'm a progressive," Beck said. "What's the difference? Revolution or evolution - that's the difference. They're no different, except one requires a gun and the other does it slowly, piece by piece."

Progressives are slow, unarmed communists? What have these progressives done to us?

"After the progressives got into office with Woodrow Wilson ... he gives us the income tax," Beck said. "Teddy Roosevelt was the first one who said we should have universal health care."

This idea that you can tax the people to pay for things that the government, elected by the people, thinks is for the common good? That's the road to ruin. That's progressivism.

How did Beck learn that all this was bad?

"I educated myself - I went to the library, where books are free," Beck said.

The library isn't free! It's paid for with tax money! Free, public libraries are the result of the progressive movement to communally share books. The first public library was the Boston Public Library in 1854. Its statement of purpose: "Every citizen has the right to access community-owned resources."

Community-owned, that sounds just like communism! You're a communist!

It's like saying "diet plans can't help you people, and I learned that dropping weight at Weight Watchers."

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