The Daily Show: Sour gropes

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Democratic Congressman Eric Massa recently announced he was retiring due to health reasons. What health reasons?

Well, rumors began to circulate that he had testicular ... not cancer - what's it called when you're not a doctor but you try to check out other people's balls? Oh yeah, groping.

Turns out Massa had been accused of sexually harassing a male's staff member, wait, I mean a male staff member. Anyway, Massa said it was all innocent fun. He had no idea of what was really going on.

Massa's saying that the real reason he resigned from Congress was not his health or the groping thing, but something far more sinister. He was being railroaded out of Congress because he wouldn't play ball on health care reform - ironically, the one ball in Washington he wasn't trying to play with.

"We're going to ram this down the throats of the American people, and anyone who stands in the way is going to be smeared and they're going to be kicked out of Congress," Massa said.

Nobody's ears were more attuned to the dog whistle of Democratic tyranny than one Glenn Beck's.

"This is the guy we've been looking for," Beck said. "I have to take him at his word on what he's saying here, but does this not all sound like exactly what we've been saying was happening?"

This is the guy. He could be our Deep Throat. Sorry, bad choice of words.

And so it was that all of Beck's worst fears of tyranny and injustice would be confirmed by a lonely, persecuted prophet.

Alas, Massa admitted during an appearance on Beck's own show, "I wasn't forced out. I forced myself out. I failed."

OK. Taking personal responsibility in an abstract sense is fine, but these Democrats are so vicious they'll do anything to advance their socialist agenda. They'll even accuse you of groping a male staff member, right?

"Yeah, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn't breathe, and then four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday," said Massa.

Note to self: Cancel my 50th birthday party.

To Beck's credit, no matter how badly Massa screwed this thing up, he kept trying to get him back on track.

"Make a difference now," Beck prodded. "Tell me something that I don't know about corruption. I don't care, any kind of corruption."

Any kind of corruption involving unions, or Barack Obama or Rahm Emanuel. Confirm my thesis!

But the more Beck struggled, the clearer it became he was opening Al Capone's vault only to find some dog-eared old men's fitness magazines.

Massa continued: "Stop calling fellow Americans names ... communist, socialist, colorful names designed to evoke emotion," he said. "You can be a progressive and be a fiscal conservative, but you can't show up at a Tea Party rally and claim that the entire budget deficit happened this year."

What's wrong, Glenn? Are the things he's saying making you sad? Does someone need a visit from the tickle monster?

Of course, the night wasn't a total loss. Massa's visit inspired Beck to come up with a new signoff phrase! His very own "Good night, and good luck."

"America, I'm going to shoot straight with you," Beck said. "I think I've wasted an hour of your time, and I apologize for that."

Visit for more on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," including videos, games and photo galleries.

"The Daily Show"

Monday through Thursday at 11 p.m. on Comedy Central