The Daily Show: Rent control
Folks, I don't even know where to start. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to do. The world has exploded.
Crap is flying everywhere - Greece is on fire, we're trying to cap the oil spill, Nashville and central Tennessee are still feeling terrible pain from this horrific flooding, the Dow dropped 1,000 points and then, for no apparent reason, shot up 700 points.
You get the feeling we're on the precipice of a major, global disaster. Or maybe it's just time for a "Daily Show" news rundown bonanza!
Remember the Times Square bomber? Faisal Shahzad, aka the WannaBomber. It turns out he's not just a terrorist, he's a moron.
"He brought another car to Times Square last Friday," reported NBC, "apparently to be his getaway car. But they say he left his getaway keys hanging in the rear hatch door of the bomb-carrying SUV."
Continued Fox News: "He also left behind the keys to his home. He gets to Connecticut, tells his landlord he needs his help getting into his apartment."
Then, he gets into his apartment and realizes he left the tub running. He slips on the water, lands on a cactus and falls right into his bear-trap collection. That rattles his bookcase, and his bowling ball falls right on top of his head.
What are we going to do in this country when we get attacked by someone who's not one of the "Home Alone" burglars?
Meanwhile, Greece's financial crisis threatens to take down all of Western civilization - a civilization they themselves founded. It's a rather tragic irony, which is something they also invented.
What didn't the Greeks invent?
"Greece is now drowning in debt," reported ABC News. "For more than a generation, Greece has been lax over its spending, paying out salaries on the government dime with huge holiday bonuses and paying employees as if they worked 14 months a year."
Oh right, they didn't invent math.
Meanwhile, remember that massive oil slick threatening the Gulf Coast? They might have a solution. Apparently, the big idea to fix the oil spill that's gushing from the underwater well is to cap it. It seems like too little, too late.
Jesus, my head's bleeding! Here, put a hat on. Thanks, doc.
And that's not even the most explosive or juvenile story of the week. George Rekers, co-founder of the Christian lobbying group Family Research Council, gets those honors.
"He goes on national television as an anti-gay activist, [and] has reportedly been spotted with an alleged male prostitute," reported CNN's Rick Sanchez.
Maybe we can cap his penis.
The co-founder of the ultra-conservative Family Research Council was caught vacationing in Europe with a "rentboy" - yes, he was actually hired from a site called rentboy.com.
Rekers claimed he hired the male prostitute because he recently had surgery and needed somebody to help him carry his luggage.
When confronted, the rentboy admitted the two had sex, while Rekers claimed he was merely trying to convince the rentboy to leave the homosexual lifestyle and "share the Gospel of Jesus Christ with him in great detail."
So many stories and so many things going on in the world. Can you guess which one lit up the "Daily Show" switchboard?
Hello, "Daily Show." Yes, homosexual hustler found with conservative Family Research founder. Yes, we know he's gay.
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