The Daily Show: There Will Be Blame

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

There's a viral video that's been making the rounds. We've been hearing about it for weeks and it finally dropped not too long ago. It's as advertised - it is filthy.

We're finally getting an up-close look at the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. Oh yeah, I like my videos of ruptured pipes like I like my coffee - black and full of dead sea animals.

You know, they told us oil was leaking into the gulf. They didn't tell us it was blasting into the gulf like a geyser. We're power-washing the Gulf of Mexico with oil.

I thought we'd put that thing out with a giant concrete dome and sealed it all up.

But as Fox News reported, "A giant dome experiment ended in a giant failure."

What? Putting a dome over something you wanted to forget didn't work? But it worked so well for Detroit and the Lions.

Don't worry, they've got a new plan, and this time it's foolproof. Not like that stupid giant dome idea.

"Their solution for this is to try a smaller dome," reported CNN.

Oh my God! The Mayans were right - we're all going to die!

Well, maybe this smaller dome is a miniature, more high-tech, intricate piece of technology. What do they call it?

"It's a smaller containment box called Top Hat," said CBS News.

Oh my God! Nostradamus was right - we're all going to die!

Yes, a top hat, what a great idea. It's the only thing that keeps Mr. Peanut from spewing deadly peanut juice into the atmosphere. Pray tell, what if the Top Hat doesn't work?

"If that doesn't work, later in the week they'll try the Hot Tap," explained ABC News.

So, if the Top Hat doesn't work, we're going to try the Hot Tap? Wait a minute. You're not coming up with new ideas, you're just scrambling letters around. Our solution to this is to come up with anagrams.

Wait, we've got our best guy on this. His name is Pat Tho. He's developing a path to the cleanup using oat pht.

"And if that doesn't work, next week they'll try the Junk Shot," ABC continued.

You know, I was once getting out of a limo and the paparazzi managed to get a junk shot. It's funny now, but then it was how I lost my Nickelodeon show, "I Stew Beef."

Alright, the Junk Shot sounds silly, but I'm sure it's something highly technical and advanced.

"The Junk Shot: Literally firing debris, golf balls and tire shards into the leaking pipe, hoping to clog it," ABC explained.

You're messing with us, right?

Why do I have the feeling the best minds in the science world were working on getting the oil? The stopping-the-oil department seems to be a little smaller and less-financed. What if the space program ran that way?

Hey, you said you wanted to put a man on the moon. You didn't say you wanted him back. Wait, I've got an idea. What if we shot golf balls and pieces of tire at the moon?

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