The Daily Show: Despot measures

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

It's been an interesting couple of weeks, huh? And by interesting I mean holy crap!

Not too long ago, the world's two biggest trouble spots were Wisconsin and the set of "Two and a Half Men."

Now all holy hell has broken loose - Japan is disintegrating into the sea whilst simultaneously destroying it, Middle Eastern regimes are firing on their own people and, worst of all, Knut the polar bear has died. I bet he killed himself after watching the news.

Then after all that

"The Pentagon said U.S. and British ships and submarines fired more than 110 Tomahawk missiles on Tripoli and Misratah. They hit about 20 Libyan air and missile defense targets. The coalition is calling this Operation Odyssey Dawn," reported CNN on March 19.

Yeah, we're at war again. I don't want to be a pain in the ass, but don't we already have two wars?

You know, wars aren't like kids, where you don't have to pay attention to the youngest one because the older two will take care of it.

And by the way, "Odyssey Dawn"? Did you really name a combat operation after a Yes album?

Also, and not to put too fine a point on this, but aren't we out of money?

Here's what President Obama had to say last November: "We don't have the money. I mean, everybody's already talking about our debt and our deficit. Why would we want to add to it?"

Yeah, why would we want to add to it? Last time I checked, war costs money. You can't simultaneously fire teachers and Tomahawk missiles.

Wait, I just got brilliant idea. We could call it Operation Blackboard Down and fire actual fired teachers out of cannons at our enemies. At least kids would get an extension on their reports.

The strangest thing is, the war in Libya was launched on the anniversary of the Iraq War. Is that what you get a war for its anniversary? Not paper or silver, but more death and destruction?

I guess we're just gluttons for doling out punishment. What are you going to do - it's just March Sadness.

Of course, it was kind of a surprise we started bombing because we had plenty of other arrows in the quiver to stop everybody's favorite putty-faced dictator, Muammar Gaddafi.

"Sanctions were put in place by United States and our allies and partners," Obama said on March 18. "The U.N. Security Council imposed further sanctions, an arms embargo and the specter of international accountability for Gaddafi and those around him."

See, we had the specter of international accountability. It's actually the ghost of former U.N. Secretary General Dag Hammarskjold, who just visits dictators every night when they go to sleep and lectures them.

While some say the U.S. military now finds itself at war on three fronts, Obama says we're just "enabling our European allies and Arab partners to effectively enforce a no-fly zone."

But if we're not leading but enabling, why did the U.S. fire 122 missiles to Britain's two?

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