The Daily Show: Gov hurts

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Last Nov. 18, new Republican governors swept to victory. They're a new breed of Republicans who don't talk down to you like they're your dad.

They're more like the cool new guy your divorced mom brings home. He tells you to call him Rob and brings you a remote-control car the first time you meet him.

Ohio Republican Gov. John Kasich is the perfect example. Remember how he sat in his chair in his campaign commercials? Backward, like The Fonz!

Ohio's last governor sat in a much more traditional manner, and that didn't work out for him at all.

So it's two months into the marriage. How are things working out between the states and their new stepdads - I mean, Rob?

Well the relationship between the freshman governors and their states has quickly gone from happily ever after to one of those cool-boyfriend-turned-psychotic-stepdad movies.

And Kasich is the stepdad who's got it all - draconian fiscal policy, ideological rigidity and just a smidge of unnecessary dickishness.

Kasich backs legislation that would do away with public sector binding arbitration, raise health care premiums and prohibit public employee strikes.

He's a little dickish when explaining why he wants to prohibit public employee strikes: "I really don't favor the right to strike by any public employee. They've got good jobs, they've got high pay, they get good benefits, a great retirement. What are they striking for?"

I think it's to prevent you from taking that away, Rob. And by the way, Kasich doesn't even want to make the "don't strike because we need essential public services" argument.

He's just going with the "ungrateful bastards" stance. I guess Kasich's argument with unions is, "You get what you get and you don't get upset."

Actually, unlike Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, Kasich isn't exempting police and firemen from his cutbacks. But before you applaud the consistency of his message, there's a little something else in play.

"You ever been stopped by a policeman who's an idiot? I had this idiot pull me over on 315," Kasich said on Jan. 21.

Did you explain to the officer that he was an idiot? That always gets me out of a ticket. How fast was I going? What do you care , dumbass!

Just because Kasich is cutting benefits to one group of government employees doesn't mean he's not making up for it with another. Kasich is dishing out some big salaries to his top staff, including more than $170,000 to his chief of staff, Beth Hansen.

When asked about the big paychecks, the governor said it's because it's tough to lure good people from the private sector.

Let me get this straight. Government jobs are so sugary f---ing sweet that you want to make it illegal for workers to even try to improve them? But those jobs aren't good enough to entice anyone worth a crap to actually take one?

I hate you, new dad! I mean, Rob.

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