The Daily Show: I Can't Believe It's Not Shuttered

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

The federal government is open for business! After much speculation that there was a shutdown looming, Republicans and Democrats reached a budget agreement.

It seemed as if nothing could stop a shutdown - like it was a train full of baking soda with no brakes speeding toward a vinegar truck.

Then, at the 12th hour, came the good news: A deal had been struck. That's right; our government was saved by mundane pragmatic agreement (which should happen all the damn time, but doesn't).

You've probably been wondering how we got here. How did Congress get to a point where they were going to shut the entire federal government down because of a dispute over .19 percent of the budget?

By the way, the budget should've been passed in the previously Democratic-controlled Congress. Why didn't they do that?

"We have a budget enforcement resolution we passed that; that's a cap. And the budgets beyond that are subject to the Appropriations Committee allocation and we're going to follow that budget enforcement resolution," said U.S. Rep. Steny Hoyer, D-Maryland, last September.

So you didn't do it because you suck. Instead of passing a budget, you made gibberish talk because that's the native language of Sucksville, population: you.

See, Democrats put off writing a budget because they were afraid that talking about spending might lose them the House of Representatives - a strategy that we all know didn't work out very well.

Now we have an agreement that trims $38.5 billion in discretionary spending from the 2011 budget while getting us all the way to - wait for it - September.

Of course agreeing to a budget is very different from passing it, and the key is how the rank and file vote on this new budget, particularly the new stars of government policy-making, the Tea Party.

In fact, it's the volume of the Tea Party's noise that has made it seemingly so difficult for everyone else to concentrate. Let's hear what Tea Party champion Rep. Mike Pence, R-Indiana, has to say.

"I think John Boehner fought the good fight. I think he drove a hard bargain here. I want to see the details, but from what I know it sounds like John Boehner got a good deal," Pence said.

Sounds like we're done here, people, and we can all go home and rest assured even though this small budget dispute was blown up to hostage-situation-like proportions because of the unusually large place at the table the Tea Party maintained. At least they're satisfied now.

Nope, because despite Boehner's tireless efforts to secure a favorable agreement, Pence said, "[It's] probably not good enough for me to support it, but a good deal nonetheless."

What are you talking about?! That's where we're at with the Tea Party - you can't even support good deals now?

Well, it's a good deal, but some poor people remain oddly unscrewed, so my constituents won't stand for it.