Daily Show: Slashdance

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

In this time of partisan rancor, there's at least one thing that both esteemed political parties can agree on - our deficit is so massive that if it's unsolved, it will lead to our nation being auctioned off in 2014 to an upwardly mobile couple from Beijing.

It's why both parties have recently put together starkly competing visions for how to avoid becoming the United States of Mr. and Mrs. Lee Chang.

Repulican Rep. Paul Ryan released his plan to reduce the deficit by more than $4 trillion in 10 years, mostly by building a machine that beats old and poor people to death with a giant copy of "The Fountainhead."

What's most peculiar about this plan is that the old people just stand there, even though they see another old person go down. It's like one of those Temple Grandin machines.

Anyway, then President Obama delivered his deficit reduction plan, and the White House actually invited Rep. Ryan to sit in the front row.

You'd think it was to show both sides coming together for dialogue, but then Obama blasted Ryan with, "One vision has been presented and championed by Republicans in the House of Representatives paints a vision of our future that's deeply pessimistic."

Uh oh.

"Ronald Reagan's own budget director said there's nothing serious or courageous about this plan," Obama continued.

In other words: T his plan is so far right that I wouldn't bang it with Barry Goldwater's penis .

Strange politics aside, the president's speech boiled down to a slightly different vision of America's future. We don't have to choose between the pancake of debt reduction and the sausage of investing in the future. We can have them both on a stick.

Of course, they both require not just spending cuts but also increased revenue. The president let everyone know he was ready to have that tough conversation.

"We can solve this problem my plan will require us to come together and make up for the additional savings with more spending cuts and more spending reductions in the tax code," said Obama.

Wait, what?! Spending reductions in the tax code? The tax code isn't where we spend; it's where we collect.

Oh, I guess what you said was tax code - code for raising taxes. You managed to talk about a tax hike as a spending reduction.

Hmm, can we afford that and the royalty checks you're going to have to send to George Orwell?

That's like saying, "I'm not going on a diet - I'm adding calories to my excluded food intake." Or, "I'm not banging your sister - I've just added vaginas to my family plan."

As you can imagine, Republicans and Ryan took issue with the president's tone.

"I'm used to that dramatic distortions of what we do around the Capitol here, but you typically don't get it from the Commander-in-Chief," Ryan said.

Seriously, Ryan? Grow some sac! You're crying about how that Kenyan socialist Muslim - whose word you take that he was born in America - is so mean to me.