The Daily Show: Bombshell or non-shell?

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

There was massive news out of Washington, D.C., last week when President Barack Obama released a copy of his long-form birth certificate.

Let me repeat that: The current president of the United States, who, after being born in the United States and becoming that country's president, has released the non-legally required version of the legally required birth certificate he had previously released oh, you get it.

So, at 9:02 East Coast Elitist Time last Wednesday, the release of the long-form birth certificate sent 24-hour news organizations into frenzy, causing a news-ileptic seizure.

"We throw this word 'bombshell' around quite a bit, but this really was a bombshell," said Dan Lothian, a CNN correspondent.

I don't want to nitpick, but wouldn't the bombshell have been Obama not being from America? Isn't this one more of a non-shell? Maybe if he'd said, "I have lady parts," that would've been a bombshell.

Anyway, native-born President Obama took the podium to once again express his disappointment in our behavior.

"I know that there's going to be a segment of people for which no matter what we put out, this issue will not be put to rest. But I'm speaking to the vast majority of the American people, as well as to the press. We do not have time for this kind of silliness. We've got better stuff to do. I've got better stuff to do," said Obama.

That's right! President Obama is a very busy, very serious man. But what was he so busy doing, you ask? Obama and his wife were headed to Chicago to tape an interview with Oprah Winfrey.

He was going to tape an interview with Oprah?! What are you doing wasting time talking to the press?! Oprah's waiting; you should have left last night!

Well, our actual president seemed pretty tired of having to address this birther mess and was glad to be over it. How did our cooler, soon-to-be president - The Donald, aka Trump - react?

Trump has made Obama's citizenship the tent pole of his presidential mission, so you'd expect he's eating gold-dipped crow on this one.

He choppered in to his own press conference aboard a helicopter bearing his name in giant letters, because I guess he loses it a lot.

"Today, I'm very proud of myself I feel that I've accomplished something really, really important, and I'm honored by it," Trump said.

All I can say is, I hope this man runs for president.

So here we are with our questions finally answered. Now the mainstream media has nothing to discuss on this topic, right?

Wrong. They'll now spend all their time discussing whether President Obama's releasing of the long-form birth certificate will indeed put an end to the media coverage of this so-called issue.

I've just got one thing to say to you media types: You're in charge of what you do and do not cover!

So make sure to tune in to the inevitable two-hour special, "I'm Not Sure We Should Be Doing This: A Cry for Editorial Discretion."