Daily Show: Death to Douchey

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Let me tell you how I heard the news about Osama bin Laden's demise. I was at home watching "Celebrity Apprentice."

Now, I'm watching it to see if President Obama and Seth Meyers' absolute shellacking of Donald Trump at the White House Correspondents' Dinner had left a visible mark.

Even though the episode had been taped before the dinner, the demolition of Trump at the dinner was so thorough, I thought it might actually supersede the rules of dimensional time and space and leave a mark on future episodes of "Celebrity Apprentice."

So I'm watching the show, and NBC breaks in with a special report. Boom! It's 10:30 at night and out of nowhere, "The president has an announcement."

Immediately I think there are only two things this could be. One, the president is interrupting "Celebrity Apprentice" to deliver more jokes about Trump - he woke up on Sunday and was like, "Oh crap, I forgot a great one!"

Or the more likely scenario, as Hollywood has taught us: When a black president interrupts your television show, it means a meteor is headed toward Earth.

So I start flipping around to see what was going on. It's clear that all of the news people know what this is, but they can't say it yet.

"It's going to be the president addressing the nation from the East Room at the White House. We can only speculate on what that might be," said Wolf Blitzer on CNN.

Can I say it's more extremist than a bread box? No ?

For goodness sake, Ryan Seacrest doesn't draw out an elimination this long! I know the president wanted to break the news himself, but couldn't he at least have let us know that we could all relax?

You don't have to say exactly what it is, just that it's good news. Finally, at 11:35 Eastern Justice Time, the president delivered the news.

"Tonight I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden," Obama announced.

Americans, especially New Yorkers, felt like the news couldn't get any better. And then it did.

"At my direction, the United States launched a targeted operation against [bin Laden's] compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan," Obama said.

Not only did we kill bin Laden, but we did it in Abbottabad? That sounds like the name that most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would've loved to kill him.

I'll go over to Abottabad and shoot bin Laden in his Abbota-bada-bingos!

It was the perfect scenario where New Yorkers couldn't have been more satisfied - until we heard he was buried at sea.

You just threw off a boat? Was it shark-infested waters? Could we have at least discussed Carbonite? We could've put it up in the West Wing.

I know what you're thinking, and maybe you're right. Maybe I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being.

Um, no.