The Daily Show: Style vs. Substance

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Right now, jobs are what the government is most concerned about … besides arguing with each other.

There’s good news, though. President Obama announced that on the very first day the government is back in session after the holiday weekend that he would give a speech to both houses of Congress on the very pressing topic of jobs.

Then everyone got in a tizzy because there was a Republican presidential debate scheduled at the same time.

Damn it! A Republican debate the very same night the president wishes to speak about jobs. I know where this is going to go — loggerheads, battles, conflicts, the government shutting down, escalation of rhetoric, race war, feral leprechauns roaming the streets. We’re doomed!

“Wednesday seemed to be the best option. When that wasn’t available, or when that seemed to be a problem, Thursday was fine with us,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney.

Well there you have it. The president offered a date, the Republicans said, “Could you move that a day?” and the president said, “All right.” Non-crisis averted.

I like to call it what I hope will be many, tales of reasonable accommodation. It’s nice to see that every now and again people in Washington can work together to solve a very minor problem.

Then the news media tried to start s--- by referring to it as “the one-day controversy known as speechgate,” “the speech spat,” “schedulegate” and my favorite, “debategate.”

Even CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asked, “How can our political leaders do big things like reduce the debt or fix the economy if they butt heads over a scheduling a speech?”

Are these people f---ing insane?

Howcanthe American people trust their political leaders not to sneak into their houses and murder them in their sleep when it took them 24 whole hours to do a schedule re-thingy?!

This is why I hate the 24-hours news networks — well, among the reasons — they’ve taken our tale of reasonable accommodation and turned it into a tale of manufactured conflict.

Of course, if you’re going to make a big deal about the “conflict,” you’re going to have to make a big deal about the resolution. The pundits posed “questions” like, “Does that mean Obama lost this round?” and suggested that “President Obama has caved.”

The president has put on his footy pajamas, dipped his pacifier in brandy and curled up smaller and smaller until he found himself nestled inside his own balls like a set of Russian testicle dolls.

You can expect the cable news networks to focus on the side show, but that’s why we have the White House press corps.

Instead they asked the same inane questions — 23 about the scheduling of the speech and nine about its content.

I’m prepared to announce that, again, the incumbent Style once again thumps the also-ran Substance by a margin of 72 percent to 28 percent. Walter Mondale laughs at how poorly Substance did in this election.

I’m sure Substance will concede at some point, but who gives a crap what Substance says?