The Daily Show: Rickrolled

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Last week President Obama gave a speech about his jobs plan, but who cares about that when we got the GOP candidates fulfilling the fifth pillar of Republicanism — the hajj to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library — for a debate.

I could talk about how Minnesota firebrand Michele Bachmann looked terrible, or how crazy Ron Paul was, but this race comes down to two candidates.

I knew I could ignore those other people and focus solely on former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney and Texas Gov. Rick Perry. And man, did they go at it … according to the cable news outlets.

It was exactly the thing they thought it would be, and there are only two explanations for how that could have happened.

One, four months before any vote is cast, the news media decides the nomination is down to Romney and Perry, puts them next to each other center stage and frames the majority of the debate by pitting them against each other. Or they’re precogs from “Minority Report.”

As you know when there’s conflict, there’s a winner and a loser. Everyone from MSNBC to Fox News said Romney won because he kept his cool and looked more presidential.

When will the pundits get that this is not a race for the president of Pundittown? Media, you’re thinking about this with the wrong part of your brain — the brain part. The Reagan Library ain’t a reading library.

The biggest applause of the night came when moderator Brian Williams merely mentioned that Perry had executed 234 people as the governor of Texas.

If you looked at the crowd, they’re not yahoos — your torch and pitchfork angry villagers. These are people with firm opinions on which is the best brand of riding mower.

They are the people who give out raisins on Halloween. They own “The Blind Side” on DVD. And yet they thirst for blood.

See, the sophisticated and presidential Romney has no idea how to connect with these people.

“I have put together a plan with a whole series of points on how to get America’s economy going again,” Romney said.

Now, here’s Perry.

“I hate cancer,” Perry said.

You just got rickrolled, Romney! Republicans have a choice between a guy who has a multi-point, fact-based plan that he thinks can get the economy back on track and a guy who think he can punch cancer in the motherf---ing face.

Romney is up against something he’s too smart to understand. Let me break it down, and I’ll use big words so you can get it.

In the presence of Republican voters, Perry actuates a neuroendocrine reaction that reroutes any frontal cortex activity as a hot wave of electrochemical impulses stimulating their proto-reptilian limbic system.

You don’t get Rick Perry in your head; you get him in your balls.

Basically, Romney is Ralph Lauren Polo Eau de Toilette. Perry is the resin form of the pheromone found in Sri Lankan tiger semen.

Get ready, Democrats, cause that’s the hombre you’re up against.