The Daily Show: A bill by any other name

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

President Obama’s speech about his jobs bill promised to create more jobs to improve at least 35,000 schools, provide tax breaks for companies who hire new workers and cut payroll taxes for working Americans and small businesses.

It will triple-guarantee that all children will get to be the thing they wanted to be when they grow up, including astronaut, ballerina, lion tamer and most of all, Batman.

So what do you call this plan that does so much for so many? The American Jobs Act? That’s all you got?

Was Employment Ideas TBD already taken? C’mon, even your crappy bills have aspirational qualities to them — The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act. We didn’t and it wasn’t, but it was trying.

Give us some spin, a little humor or zing. Try Americans Take This Job and Love It Act. Or maybe The Make It Rain Act. Give us something.

Branding issues aside, Obama was on a terror during his address.

“What I will not do is let this economic crisis be used as an excuse to wipe out the basic protections that Americans have counted on for decades. … This isn’t class warfare; it’s simple math,” Obama said.

Nice! Maybe you could’ve done this whole hit-’em-where-it-hurts thing before the country slid into an unstoppable s--- spiral.

My favorite thing about that speech was the awesome cutaways to uncomfortable Republicans. It was a veritable spectrum of poorly concealed discomfort.

Eric Cantor looked like he was thinking, “Maybe if I don’t move, the T. Rex won’t see me.” Rand Paul looked like he was trying not to look disgusted as his mother-in-law showed off belly dancing lessons at his kid’s confirmation. Mitch McConnell looked sad, like a guy who just saw a dog with wheels instead of legs.

And John McCain had the look of a man who had no idea the play he was watching was going to contain so much full frontal male nudity. Uh, I thought “Puppetry of the Penis” would focus on the puppetry.

Becoming Campaign Obama again reinvigorated him and gave me an idea that will solve our jobs problems forever.

Let us as a nation give up the pipe dream that an inspirational leader can challenge the status quo, remake Washington and govern successfully.

We can play to our strengths and embrace an America of campaign-driven drivel. We’re No. 1 in aspiring political leaders telling us how great we are.

Let’s use that and convert America to a campaign-based economy — commercials, bus tours, fundraising. Do you know how many teachers, construction workers and first responders we could hire if we needed them to stand behind politicians eight hours a day, 365 days a year?

And what pumps more money into a local economy than a political convention? Republicans and Democrats could hold one monthly in every state, injecting billions into the balloon-drop, straw hat, escort and dead-escort-removal industries.

Can we save this country by relying on our greatest natural resource — hand-cranked, corporately-financed bulls--- machines? Yes, we can!