The Daily Show: Moneybrawl

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

Last week President Obama took to the White House Rose Garden, appearing before the very doorknobs that may be hitting him in the ass next November, to talk debt and taxes.

“[My] plan reduces our debt by more than $4 trillion and achieves these savings in a way that is fair … either we gut education and medical research or we’ve got to reform the tax code so that the most profitable corporations have to give up tax loopholes that other companies don’t get. We can’t afford to do both. This is not class warfare; it’s math,” Obama said.

That’s how you’re going to sell your program to Americans? It’s not war, the thing we’re best at, but math, the thing we’re 32nd out of 65 in the world at. Or, as Americans like to think of it, the top ten percent.

The president has finally drawn a stark policy difference between himself and his opponents. We either raise taxes on the wealthy or risk the very fabric of our 70-year social safety net.

Republicans must be able to counter this by putting a human face on the burden this will place on our nation’s most vulnerable wealthy. Cue Louisiana Congressman — and small business owner of 33 Subway sandwich shops that earned him more than $6 million last year — John Fleming.

“The amount that I have to reinvest in my business and feed my family is more like $600,000 of that $6.3 million. So by the time I feed my family, I have maybe $400,000 to invest in new locations,” Fleming said.

Let’s ignore for a moment that this gentleman has an incredibly crappy accountant who has advised him to pay personal income tax on money he reinvests in his business. Let’s blow past the fact that under Obama’s plan, instead of having $400,000 to upgrade his stores and buy equipment, he’d have $381,000.

Let’s focus on the $200,000 a year you say it takes to feed your family. Now, I’m going to tell you something you may not know, Mr. Fleming. There is a place where you can buy a full 12 inches of meaty sub deliciousness for $5.

By my calculations, $200,000 will buy you 40,000 feet of food. That’s eight miles of room-temperature, honey-cured (technically) turkey. Perhaps you’ve heard of these places; they’re everywhere!

So taxes go up, and you may find yourself more than 20 sandwich lengths from the nearest Subway — where it always smells like a loaf of bread took a dump — but there is sadly only one Papa Bear.

“My corporations employ scores of people. They depend on me to do what I do so they can make a nice salary. If Barack Obama begins taxing me more excessively, I don’t know how much longer I’m going to do this. I like my job, but there’s a point when taxation becomes oppressive,” said Bill O’Reilly.

So if taxes are raised, Bill O’Reilly might quit his Fox job? That sound like a win-win to me.