The Daily Show: Romspringa

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

The Republican presidential race has conservative voters desperately trying every other possible option before ultimately and unhappily voting for Mitt Romney.

It's a rite of passage for Republican voters known as Romspringa. Yes, Republican voters know they are going to end up back with Romney much in the way a 16-year-old Amish boy knows that his six months with an iPod will ultimately give way to several decades of building barns with hand tools.

Back in December, Newt Gingrich was Republicans' temporary vice, which ended in much the same way a young Amish person's first encounter with alcohol ends - nausea, vomiting and a vow to the Lord to never touch the stuff again.

That brings us to Ron Paul. Could the pro-drug-legalization, anti-war obstetrician be the brief Republican flirtation that could lead the flock astray?

"Paul has disavowed newsletters with his name on them from the 1980s and '90s with racial insults towards African-Americans and others," CNN reported on Dec. 24.

OK, probably not. So how will Paul's opponents attack him over these newsletters? Apparently they won't. They'll just go at Paul over his position to let Iran have a nuclear weapon.

Their main problem with Paul isn't the racist, conspiracy-mongering newsletters; it's that he won't pre-agree to start a war with Iran. That's like hating the TV show "Work It" because it's only a half-hour long.

That's it! Romspringa is over; there's nobody else. Unless … oh God, please, no.

"Rick Santorum has caught fire, his events now overflowing with supporters," reported "Good Morning America."

Get the hell out of here. Republicans, you're really going to try every chocolate in the box.

Look, you're going to end up with the plain chocolate Romney. You tried the Michele Bachmann - too many nuts, no good. You tried the Rick Perry. It looked great, but it was filled with almond nougat. Who puts almond nougat in chocolate?!

You tried all of them except that one you know sucks, the Santorum. You know the one: It has the cherry jizz on the inside - oh, my chocolate was alive and now it's bleeding.

In the end you're getting Romney, the boring old least-bad chocolate. By the way, when you end up with Romney, don't pretend this is the chocolate you wanted the whole time.

You're going to be miserable, not because Romney flip-flops or pretends he's an ordinary fella who's just trying to make it in this blue-collar world. It's because even Romney's good ideas reek of John Kerry-esque out-of-touchedness.

Were you watching the New Year's Eve coverage in Times Square? Did you see that Romney bought the space behind the ball? It's really smart and makes perfect business sense unless your business is getting people to like you.

It's like those ads right above urinals. Your first thought is, "Wow, that's a great idea." Then your second thought is, "I hate whoever put this here!"