The Daily Show: Rich Man, Richer Man

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

I’ve got a confession. The race for the Republican nomination for president has been very interesting, but for me there’s been an emptiness. There’s just been something missing for quite some time now — a mogul-shaped hole in my heart, if you will. And then it was released that Donald Trump was going to make an announcement.

Thank you, Jesus. I hadn’t been that happy to see an orange face again since the end of “Finding Nemo.”

I was so excited wondering what he was going to announce. Was he back in the race? Releasing some awesome birther data that he found in Hawaii? Was he seceding and going to rule over his own country, an exact to-scale replica of this one only made with gold?

“It is my honor to endorse Mitt Romney,” Trump said on Feb. 2.

That’s it?! No “Omarosa is going to be Secretary of State” or something? It was just an endorsement of the current front-runner and presumed nominee.

I never really saw Trump as a Romney guy. I always saw Trump as a guy whose ostentatious lifestyle was driven by a slight a guy like Romney gave him years ago.

Thatjerk thinks he can kick me out of the country club! I’ll build my own country club, and it will have a statue with Perrier coming out of Athena’s nipples in it.

Seriously, what does Trump see when he looks at Romney? Oh, that’s right. Romney likes firing people and thinks corporations are people too. Still, Trump is probably not crazy about Romney having the same wife for 42 years.

So Trump and Romney join forces and show America that if two Ivy League-educated, successful business tycoons from wealthy families can find common ground — even when one is a billionaire and the other a multi, multi, multimillionaire — then maybe there’s hope that this country isn’t so divided after all. Hell, some don’t even think there is a socio-economic divide in this country.

“We have always been a nation of haves and soon-to-haves. Americans never drive through a nice neighborhood and say, ‘I hate these people in these nice houses.’ They are a people who drive through a nice neighborhood and say, ‘Congratulations on your nice house. Guess what, we’ll be joining you soon,’” said Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Florida.

Yes, we all know there’s nothing rich people love more than poor people circling their neighborhoods at night saying, “We’ll be joining you soon.”

See, this soon-to-haves idea that someday 100 percent of the people will one day be in the one percent is mathematically impossible. I don’t understand why they have to push so hard this myth of equal opportunity.

The reason the rich come up with this “soon-to-haves” and “job creator” nonsense is to make other people think they’re heroes and blame themselves for not being rich. It keeps them in a consumerist torpid depression until they die from Type 2 diabetes on a pile of scratch-off lottery tickets.