The Daily Show: Icky Leaks

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

I’m sick of the elections, so I’m going to start with a story of international intrigue. Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad’s personal emails were leaked to the British newspaper The Guardian. The newspaper said they have obtained thousands of emails to and from Assad.

Finally, the email is hacked of someone who deserves to have his email hacked. Assad is currently 12 months into a massacre of his own citizens. It’s about time somebody revealed his secret tactics and weaknesses.

“More than 3,000 emails reveal that the Syrian strongman is hooked on iTunes,” reported Fox News.

This guy massacres his own people with impunity, but makes sure he buys his music legally? I’ll taunt NATO and the world community, but even I won’tscrew with Apple.

Assad downloaded videogames, movies, apps and songs by LMFAO, Chris Brown and Blake Shelton. Wow, he downloads Chris Brown — I hope the association with an unapologetically violent brute won’t hurt Assad’s reputation. So what else did we get on this guy?

“We have some snippets from these revealing emails … Assad’s wife writes in late November, ‘Are you coming around the 2nd or before? If so, please can you bring Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part 2’ (released on 2nd December),” CNN announced.

So Assad wanted Harry Potter movies, or as he probably refers to them, “The Voldemort Chronicles and His Struggle to Overcome the Boy Who Can’t Be Named.”

If dictators are going to use email, it should read like this: Hey U, come over. I’m grilling some chicken LOL! Damn you, autocorrect / killing some citizens / ROTFL (Really oppressing total freedom and liberty).

I’m just glad the internet wasn’t invented during Adolf Hitler’s time. I just imagine Eva Braun surfing the internet and saying, “Adolf, come in here. I found a website where all the kittens look just like you.”

Serfing the Web

Something happened at the big music and interactive technology festival in Texas, South by Southwest, that made a lot of people upset.

Did it turn out Vampire Weekend are actually vampires? Nope.

“There’s a controversy brewing over an advertising agency’s use of 13 homeless people as human Wi-Fi hotspots,” CNN said.

So rather than train homeless people to become computer workers, we’re training them to become computer equipment.

What happened to your new job, Billy? Oh you know how it is — I got replaced by a pole.

Is walking around with a 4G transmitter even healthy? You know what the shirt these people had to wear said? “I’m Mark, a 4G hotspot.” Not, “I’m Mark, a person with a 4G hotspot.”

For a suggested fee of $2 they would give you the password to the 4G network hanging around their necks. I wonder what the passwords could be?

How about “screwyou,” or maybe “shovethatipadupyourass”?

I like, “the$2youjustgavemefailstopaperoverthesystematicfailureofournationswelfareandpublicmentalhealhpolicies.” That would be a secure password.