NEWS

Best of Columbus 2015: Candidates You Won't Find on the Mayoral Ballot

Columbus Monthly Staff

All the hullaballoo surrounding this year's mayoral race got us thinking about some other potential (however unlikely) candidates. Here's an entirely fabricated rundown of the contenders.

Platform: Conservation, animal rights and zoo levies

Slogan: "Jungle Jack Has Your Back"

Running mate: Colo, the oldest gorilla in captivity in the world

Campaign theme song: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

Election event swag: Safari hats

Kryptonite: Failing zoo levies

Platform: Tax abatements for small businesses and startups

Slogan: "People First"

Running mate: Fellow restaurateur Liz Lessner, until she left town

Campaign theme song: "New York State of Mind"

Election event swag: Buttons that read "Yes Man"

Kryptonite: Momofuku Milk Bar's Crack Pie

Platform: More funding for music programs in schools

Slogan: "Let's Make Music, You Dig?"

Running mate: Columbus Jazz Orchestra pianist Bobby Floyd

Campaign theme song: "When the Saints Go Marchin' In"

Election event swag: Recording of Stripling's tribute to Louis Armstrong

Kryptonite: Fear of carpal tunnel syndrome

Platform: Increase taxes on food that isn't locally grown or sustainably sourced, donate money to end world hunger

Slogan: "We're Making the World a Better Place"

Running mate: Jeni's CEO John Lowe

Campaign theme song: "Imagine"

Election event swag: Free scoops of Salty Caramel

Kryptonite: Listeria (too soon?)

Platform: Recruitment (preferably of athletes who don't come to Ohio State "to play school")

Slogan: "Your Undisputed Mayor"

Running mate: Braxton Miller, J.T. Barrett and Cardale Jones

Campaign theme song: "Hang on Sloopy"

Election event swag: Buckeye necklaces

Kryptonite: NCAA investigations