The List: Possible Republican responses to the Larry Householder arrest

Alive staff
Speaker Larry Householder listens to a representative speak during an Ohio House session at the Ohio Statehouse in Columbus, Ohio on May 6, 2020.

In Ohio, we have a long, rich history of non-responses to scandals and crises, often spearheaded by the incomparable Sen. Rob Portman, who has found multitudinous ways to say nothing at all. Most recently, in response to a tweet from President Trump that Twitter removed due to the way it glorified violence, Portman responded to a reporter with, “I’m late for lunch.”

But Portman certainly doesn’t have a monopoly on statements of inanity. So, in light of today’s announcement that Ohio House Speaker Larry Householder and four others are being arrested in a $60 million bribery scandal, we thought we’d take some guesses at how some of Householder’s Republican colleagues will respond to this bombshell.

U.S. Sen. Rob Portman

“I have to run. I have a burrito in the microwave that needs tended to.”

Gov. Mike DeWine

“We need to take care of each other like neighbors, because love is the answer to stopping this pandemic, which is a message that will surely resonate with the science deniers and conspiracy theorists who have turned a public health crisis into political football. And, no, I won’t be imposing a mask order today, either.”

U.S. Rep. Jim Jordan

*Demonstrates wrestling hold as the reporter attempts to clarify that, no, actually we said Householder*

Matt Borges, former chairman of the Ohio Republican party

“Look over there!” *points and runs*

Rob Weber, Republican candidate for Ohio’s 9th district

“This is all a distraction orchestrated by the deep state. Only by the grace of Trump have we not fully succumbed to a damned, damaged world in which the media, Hillary Clinton, Wayfair and other liberal power players conspire to abuse children with absolutely no recourse. I pray the rest of the country can wake up and be 17’d like me. It’s our only hope.”

U.S. Rep. Steve Stivers

*Purses lips and makes ringing sound* “Oh, excuse me, I have to take this call.”

State Rep. Nino Vitale

“Don’t be deceived, sheeple. This is obviously all orchestrated by Dictator DeWine, who wants Householder gone and replaced by a tyrannical mask-lover.”

U.S. Rep. Steve Chabot

“I don’t think I look anything like Jaws. Wait, what was the question?”

State Sen. Larry Obhof

“I have to run. I have a Hot Pocket in the microwave that needs tended to.”

State Sen. Andrew Brenner

“None of this would have happened if we’d stopped the rioting and looting.”

U.S. Sen. Rob Portman (six minutes later, no burrito in hand)

“I’m late for lunch.”